I'm way too young to have a sixteen-year-old.
After this birthday, no more, Gretchen.
You got it, Mom.
I don't mind being a grandmother.
Everyone thinks Gretchen is my daughter.
No one thinks that, Mom.
Mr. Deposki at the dry cleaner said so
just the other day.
Mr. Deposki is legally blind.
Last week he introduced me to a rain coat.
Envy is not a good color on you, Honey.
Neither is blue.
[Sighs] I really wish I could do
something huge for her sixteen's birthday.
The plan was I was going to take her
to Italy and buy her a car.
Then I lost my job and everything I have in the world.
I mean I could take her to Little Italy and buy her a pizza.
If we don't go crazy on the toppings.
- [Phone ringing] - Hello.
Adam?
Oh, you're in town.
Hold on.
Gretchen?
Gretchen!
Is it okay if your dad comes to your party?
I guess.
Me again.
So Gretchen's father isn't exactly a fixture in her life.
We met in high school, and he was in a band and super cute.
All the girls competed for him, and I won.
Nine months later I realized winning came with a prize.
He went on tour, I went into labor, and he's been in and out
of her life ever since...
Mostly out.
If Adam's late, I'm not waiting.
I have plans with my friends after,
and you know he's gonna be late.
[Sighs] She's not wrong.
Why didn't I get a blowout this week?
Stupid.
You have such a crush on him.
I do not.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'll just have to throw in a few hot rollers or something.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade - Addic7ed.com -
Wow. Adam Pederson... Blast from the past.
Is he still a musician?
Mm-hmm.
He shows up every now and then to see Gretchen,
borrow money.
What a flake, although if he's coming tomorrow,
I should probably get a blowout.
Seriously? You too?
Oh, I'm sorry. Are we gonna pretend that he's not hot?
Are you saying you haven't slept with him once since high school?
Sorry, but a guy borrowing money from me
is kind of a boner killer.
What do you think? Can you fix it?
Have you ever put oil in this thing?
Of course not. I've been very careful.
Chicks.
I love it, Dina. Thank you.
Oh, good. I wasn't sure. It's kind of sexy.
But I figured if you thought it was too slutty,
you could always give it to your mom.
- [Doorbell rings] - ♪ I'll get it ♪
Hello, gorgeous!
Oh, it's you, Taylor.
You're really pretty too, Dr. Doyle.
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.
[Dog barks]
I told you to wait in the yard.
Oh, my God, you got me a puppy! I love him!
- He's not a puppy. - I still love him.
- And he isn't yours. - What?
He's mine. But, yeah, isn't he cute?
Wayne got a dog...
Just completely on his own without consulting me.
Don't you just love his new independent streak?
I know I do.
Well, we're starting a family, right?
And every family's got to have a dog.
And, look, I've already started training him.
Hank, sit.
Sit, Hank.
Sit.
- Sit! - [Dog barks]
Speak! Good dog!
You see that?
All right, let's get you outside.
I'm not angry!
So this is just something small.
It's not a big deal. I just thought you might like...
- [Doorbell rings] - ♪ I'll get it ♪
Adam!
Maggie, hey. You get hotter every time I see you.
Oh.
You know, I always thought I knocked up the wrong Doyle.
- Not too late. - [Both laugh]
- Hi. - Hey.
Bet you didn't expect to see me living back here, did you?
Oh, come on, I'm happy to see you wherever you are.
- There's my girl. - Hey, Adam.
- Hey. - Uh, you're kind of late.
I said 6:00, and Taylor and I have to go.
Oh, yeah. Hey, Taylor.
Well, I was just busy, uh, picking out your gift.
Oh, thanks. You didn't have to.
Wow, a key chain.
Thanks, Adam. It's really nice.
Yeah, I didn't know if you had one of those, so...
I never did, but now I do. Thanks.
Oh, there's supposed to be a key attached to that, though.
Where did I put it?
Um, you know what?
Oh, yeah, it's in the ignition.
[All gasp]
Happy Birthday, Gretchen.
Oh, my God.
Well, if no one else is going to hug him, I will.
I love it, Daddy!
"Daddy"?
My friends are gonna hate me.
Then my job is done.
Adam, how did you... Where did you get...
Get the money?
My music... I signed with a label last year,
and things are really taking off for me.
I always believed in you, Adam.
A record deal... That is so great!
Seriously, where'd the car come from?
- Tell me the truth right now. - It is the truth.
I'm here in L.A. to prep for my tour.
How perfect is that?
You see what happens when you don't give up
on your dreams, Gretchen.
You stole it, right? Won it at a poker game?
Drug money?
Can Taylor and I go for a ride?
- We should have a safety talk. - It's your car, baby.
- I love this car! - [Engine turning over]
You know, I didn't really think this through.
I'm gonna need a ride back to the hotel.
Sorry, but my car is in pieces.
Well, mine's gassed up and ready to go.
[Crash]
No, Hank, no!
I told you, during bar hours, you have to stay
in the back room.
Now go to your place.
Place, Hank.
Place.
Hank.
Back room, Hank.
You have to use your command voice.
That's how I trained Wayne, didn't I, sweetie?
Well, you didn't train me.
Oh, of course not, baby.
Relax.
Sit.
- You want a treat? - Yes, please.
You've got a real respect problem there.
Well, I try to speak my mind, but I'm just intimidated.
I was talking about the dog.
Yeah, me too.
Well, you think dogs are hard, just wait till you have kids.
We're trying.
Yeah, I know. You told me that last week...
And yesterday.
You tell everyone that all the time.
And you wear that sweatshirt that says "baby maker."
For the record, that was a gag gift from the pale ale guy.
[Chuckles]
Terry...
Is it shallow of me that I find him more attractive
now that he's successful?
It's super shallow.
Some of us thought he was hot based on his looks.
Yeah, but at the same time,
I just want to slap him, you know.
No reason you can't do both.
He might be into it.
Just let me say this and don't judge me.
You know Wayne and I have been trying to get pregnant,
but I'm just too scared right now,
and this whole time, I've been taking birth control pills.
[Dog barks]
I'm gonna tell him soon, okay?
I'm not a bad person.
[Dog barks]
You eat cat poop!
You know, Mom, it seems like Adam
might really be trying this time.
It does, but, you know, he's been the guy that comes and goes
for a lot of years now.
He's only in L.A. for a few days before he leaves for his tour.
So let's just see what happens, okay?
Sweet dreams, 16.
[Whispering] Hey.
Hey.
Hey, we can't make any noise.
No. I know the drill.
I used to sneak into this house all the time, remember?
Yeah, I remember.
Although, it's been a while.
I almost snuck into your mom's window by mistake.
That would've been awkward, huh?
Not for her.
[Laughs]
Wait. You really think this is a good idea?
I do. I really do.
Yeah, this dialogue sounds pretty familiar.
Listen, I don't want to push you into anything.
You sure you want to do this?
[Grunts]
Hey! Answer the question.
[Giggles]
Hey, hey, hey, Taylor, what are you doing here?
I guess the question now is, are you one of those cool dads?
Wait. What are you doing?
No, I'm the one that's asking the questions here.
Oh, wow. You and Mrs. Doyle...
Good for you.
Well, see ya later.
Hey! No! Hey, hey! No, no!
You're not going anywhere! Come here, come here, come here!
- Let go! - Gretchen, your dad is crazy!
Hey, what's going on over there?
- Adam? - Taylor? Dad?
- Hey, baby... - I'm calling the cops!
- [All shouting] - Knock it off!
Fight's over.
Now, what happened?
I caught this kid climbing through that window.
Breaking and entering.
- No. - He's my boyfriend.
I see. Who are you?
- I'm her father. - Kind of.
No, not kind of.
He doesn't live here.
So then where were you when you saw him climbing
into this girl's window?
Me?
I know the answer to that.
- Taylor. - Hey.
He was climbing out of her mom's window.
Not again, Jennifer.
You two are having sex?
Can I ask why no one is using the door?
Wait a minute. You two are having sex?
Don't change the subject, young lady.
Because you're destroying my hydrangeas.
How long has this been going on?
You know exactly how long this has been going on.
Don't act like you don't because all these people are here.
Wait. Is that true?
No!
- Yes! - Jennifer, you allow this?
No, no, I clearly voiced my disapproval.
People were grounded. Limits were set.
And where do you get off asserting parental authority?
The last parenting decision we made together was,
"forget the condom. Let's just do it."
That doesn't sound like my Adam.
I don't get this, Mom.
You always told me you guys were completely incompatible,
but you seem pretty compatible to me tonight.
That is none of your business.
Yes, it is my business.
It is my life! Am I right, Taylor?
I-I just want to go home.
You can't talk to me like that, young lady.
Somebody should. You're out of control.
- You're grounded. - What? No!
All right, there are a lot of moving parts here,
and I don't want to do paperwork tonight.
So why don't you all just go to bed, separately?
Or whatever you want. Just don't make any noise.
Who called in the complaint?
Was it those nosy Gundersons?
I can't give you names, ma'am.
'Cause their family's not so perfect.
I've seen the liquor bottles in the trash cans
on Monday mornings.
I mean, he thinks he can just come into town,
give Gretchen a car, have sex with me,
and just start acting like a parent.
Wait. You buried the lead.
You had sex with Adam?
It's not important.
Who took off whose clothes first?
Is he a moaner?
I hate moaners, although I do like a little role play.
[German accent] Ilsa, the pouty prison guard...
Dina, I really don't want to talk about the sex.
[Normal voice] I only want to talk about the sex.
In high school, we definitely had chemistry.
I didn't know if we still would, but wow.
Maybe it's the universe trying to tell me something.
You think the universe tells you things about sex?
It tells me to do it.
So are you into him?
No!
Maybe.
I'm still so pissed at him.
I mean, I've been taking care of her for 16 years, Dina,
16 long years.
Yeah, I know, I know. Hand me the socket wrench.
It's not even in the wrench family.
Hmm.
I mean, he thinks he can just waltz back in
and be Gretchen's hero?
I mean, it's like I've been feeding a slot machine
for 16 years, I walk away for one second,
and this guy comes in, drops a coin in my machine,
and hits the jackpot.
That's not the only thing he put in your slot.
I need to get laid.
I know.
You know, for 16 years, she's been trying to get me
to be a dad.
And now I'm here, and she's just pushing me away.
Yeah, I hear you.
Take me and little Hank, for example.
He's a good boy with Stephanie,
but anytime I try to get through to him, he pees on the floor.
He pees on the floor?
- Yep. - What's wrong with the toilet?
- He drops his toys in it. - He sounds like a real handful.
What can I do?
He's an animal.
[Scoffs]
There's my "father."
Oh, yeah? How's your "car"?
- It's awesome. - Yeah.
I'm going to have a beer.
Mom always lets me have a beer on my birthday.
- [Chuckles] Nice try. - [Chuckles]
Hey, I'm sorry about last night.
I know it was probably a little weird for you.
Weird.
Yeah, it was beyond weird,
and I come from a pretty weird family.
Yeah.
Why haven't you been around?
I mean, I get it that you guys were really young
and that Mom said you could go,
and you wanted to do your music and stuff.
Why didn't I visit more? Why didn't I call?
Honestly, it was the biggest mistake of my life.
And it just felt like the more time went by,
the harder it became to fix it.
That's not an excuse.
I guess I could've picked up the phone and called you.
No, no, no, no. No, no. Don't put this on you.
I'm the adult here...
In theory.
I know I screwed up,
and I just want to try and make up for it.
[Scoffs] So what...
Are you, like, together with my mom now?
[Laughs] Your mother is impossible,
and that's not your problem either.
Actually, that kind of is your problem.
Right.
So can I take you for ice cream?
Sure.
Well, actually, can you take me?
'Cause you're the one with the car.
- [Sighs] Okay. - Okay.
Hey, I got your album. It's pretty good.
Oh, yeah? Did you buy it on iTunes?
Yeah, Dad, I bought it. [Chuckles]
All right.
Glen, not again.
Wasn't me this time.
Hank!
Wayne, I thought you were training him.
- He won't listen to me. - Well, you can't be his friend.
Is that Gretchen's leftover cake?
I don't know.
Honey, I know how hard it is to not eat jun
actually, I don't. It seems effortless to me.
Here, have a celery stick.
- [Crunches] - Oh.
I mean, all the late-night feedings, the ear infections,
the parent-teacher conference.
I mean, how many lunches did I pack?
Oh, my God, enough.
God, get over yourself, Jennifer.
You did a good job, but you weren't alone.
I was there for some of it.
Your mom was there.
We did car pools and playdates.
We sat with Gretchen while you were in school,
and now her dad is stepping up and trying to help.
What's the worst thing that comes out of this...
Gretchen gets a dad?
I hate it when you're right.
I need to go talk to Gretchen.
Oh, crap. This seems important.
Damn it, Glen. Did you eat my cake?
Just what the dog left.
The dog! Dogs can't eat chocolate.
I'm not feeling too good myself.
Crap, it's Mom.
I just want to eat my mint chip in peace.
- I don't want to get yelled at. - No, me either.
Wait! Gretchen, Adam, don't go!
I just want to talk.
She never wants to just talk.
Go!
Wait!
Wait! Gretchen!
[Groans]
Oh.
Oh, she's so close.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
Ha! Gotcha now.
Listen to me! You need to hear this!
Gretchen, you're not in trouble!
- What'd she say? - I don't know.
All I heard was "trouble."
She's really not going to give up, huh?
It's one of her best qualities.
All right.
[Grunts]
I'm sure it was confusing to you that I had sex with your father.
What?
He has a heart condition.
What?
[Grunts]
Oh, my God, Mom's getting a ticket.
What I'm trying to say is, that if your dad wants
to be a part of your life, I think that's great.
I mean, it's great for all of us...
Even me.
Look, I may have overreacted.
You seem very nice, and my father's lonely.
Who am I to judge?
Wayne.
Shh. He didn't get much sleep.
Yeah, but he's gonna be fine.
I can't say the same for our rug, though.
I know.
Poor little guy.
He's so lucky you were there.
Yeah, I guess he is.
You know, I might not be such a bad father after all.
Oh, God. [Crying]
Stephanie,
a-are you crying because you're happy?
Happy?
Yeah, that works. I'm happy.
[Continues crying] Oh, God!
Adam's on his way over.
I guess he wants to say good-bye before he leaves to go on tour.
Oh, all right.
- He's leaving. - Yes, I heard you.
You're taking this really well.
Of course, dear. Why wouldn't I?
No! Dear God! Why?
Oh, my gift.
Look, honey, it's not a car or anything,
- it's something little that I... - [Gasps]
Oh, my God, our dolls?
You found them and you gave them faces and new hair and...
Yours has been working out.
Yeah, I found them when we moved
and just kind of, you know, fixed 'em up a little.
I'm sorry I couldn't do more.
Oh, Mom, I love it. Thank you.
And thanks for giving Dad a chance.
I am old enough to know that he's gonna come and go
and that you are always gonna be here.
Yeah, you're stuck with me.
It's probably better that he's going on tour anyway.
Ever since the other night, every time I see him,
I get all knotted up in my stomach.
Ew, Mom. You have a crush on Dad.
- Do not. - [Knock at door]
- [Door opens] - Hey guys.
Hey, Dad! Take off?
[Sighs] I'm supposed to leave today.
I'll miss you.
Well, I won't miss you.
What?
Because I cancelled my tour.
- What? - Yeah.
My manager is really pissed, but
I told him we have to reschedule.
I don't understand.
I'm staying in L.A.
[Maggie yells] Yes!